A few years ago, I was coaching a client who had a very negative attitude about his company. This client complained with disdain about his boss and the company that promoted him. When I asked, “What have you tried to do about this?” he answered, “Oh, he got fired… 11 years ago”. Talk about holding a grudge! I asked him, “what is preventing you from letting this go now?” His answer? “No one has ever apologized for how he treated me.” What grudges might you be holding onto? Why? What is your impression of those who don’t apologize?
Why should you Apologize?
Being good at apologizing is a leadership advantage. Empirical evidence shows that leaders who apologize for their mistakes are seen as demonstrating desirable leadership skills (Tucker, Turner, Barling, Reid, & Elving, 2006). Not apologizing is associated with increased anger levels in the victims of mistakes (Thomas & Miller, 2008). Remember Steven R. Covey’s metaphor of an emotional bank account? It takes multiple “deposits” into the emotional bank account of another person to make up for one “withdrawal”. You can improve your relationship ratio however, with a really good apology for accidental withdrawals. An effective apology aims at repairing relationships by rebuilding trust. It seeks reconciliation – not just a clear conscience. Sometimes, being really good at apologizing is the best you can do while working on a strong negative behavior. If you have a tendency to “lose it” for example, knowing how to apologize for inappropriate words or behavior may be a valuable short-term solution while you work on changing your response patterns.
The Apology Formula
Because I have a hard time remembering more than a three-step process, I made the following five-step process rhyme and set it to the tune of Three Blind Mice. (Yes, I know, but whatever works right?). Remember to make new behaviors into habits by using deliberate practice. Rehearse this process in your mind and in safe situations until you can easily remember and apply it when needed. Another way to remember it is to teach it to others.
Describe the fault – express explicitly what went wrong without excuses. It is important to show your listener that you know exactly what the offense was. Apologize for your part – nothing more, nothing less. Own it, no excuses; just state what is true without any buts, limitations, or conditions.
Guess the result – empathize. Show your listeners that you understand the consequences of that offense – especially the emotional harm. You don’t have to condone the extent of their upset but you do have to admit that feeling upset was warranted. Validate the emotions and acknowledge the effects without judgment.
Repair the past – make restitution where possible by undoing the damage. To really do a good job, go one step beyond. If you break a window, replace it with a better one.
Make it last – take visible steps to ensure that the same error is not repeated and let your listeners know what they are. Tell them what preventative measures you are taking so it doesn’t happen again. Address the pattern of behavior if applicable and not just the most recent event. If you are working on improving the behavior, tell them so.
Don’t be so proud, just say it out loud...
I’m sorry; please forgive me – say the words “I’m sorry” – not “I apologize”, not “I didn’t mean any harm”, just “I’m sorry”.
Some Do’s & Don’ts
Do apologize for words or behavior. Don’t apologize for your feelings. Do apologize anytime and every time you do or say something wrong. Don’t lose credibility by apologizing for something you didn’t do. Do employ all the apology steps once but don’t over-apologize by repeating yourself. Do give people a chance to digest your apology. Don’t expect an immediate response or attach a condition to it.
Examples
Describe the fault: I wasn’t truthful about the state of this project.
Guess the result: Waiting to tell you has made it more difficult to mitigate our losses. I don’t blame you for being upset.
Repair the past: I will make myself available for whatever contingency plans we come up with. Here are my recommendations.
Make it last: In future, I will let you know at the first sign of trouble if I think we might be late on a deadline.
Say “I’m Sorry”: I’m very sorry.
————–
Describe the fault: I’m sorry I snapped at you just now.
Guess the result: It would be understandable to be hurt by that.
Repair the past: I would like to make it up to you by listening fully to your concerns. Can we meet this afternoon at 1:00?
Make it last: In future, I will close my door if I don’t want to be disturbed.
Say “I’m Sorry”: I’m sorry; I was wrong.
————–
Guess the result & describe the fault: I understand your frustration. I have gotten side-tracked on my duties and have spent far too much time on this pet project. Now my daily work is sliding.
Repair the past: I will hand this project back to where it belongs and work on the weekend to recover the lost time.
Make it last: I will not accept any new projects without your consent.
Say “I’m sorry”: I am sorry.
References
Thomas, R. L., & Miller, M. G. (2008). The impact of failing to give an apology and the need-for-cognition on anger. Current Psychology, 27(2), 126-134. doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s12144-008-9025-y
Tucker, S., Turner, N., Barling, J., Reid, E. M., & Elving, C. (2006). Apologies and transformational leadership. Journal of Business Ethics, 63(2), 195-207. doi: 10.1007/s10551-005-3571-0